like a black steer’s tookus on a moonless prairie night

The mind asks a question and the mind answers the question. This is common practise. It can be believed to be reality. That an answer should come….it will come from the mind. In a sentence.

No. There is a profound silence. Ask a question and listen.
“Should I be with him? ” —–PURE POTENTIAL
“Am I to do this, or that?” —– PURE POTENTIAL
“Why did I do this/that say this/that?” —-PURE POTENTIAL

The only answer is in the silence. I know I’m really listening if  all I hear back is silence.
The answer will come, I suspect. But not in words. Not in a sentence or a lecture from the Narrator in the head. What does the Head know? The Head knows headstuff. Lotta good that does when the Head asks a question and the Head answers it. Why did the Head even ASK it in the first place if it knew?!

 The answer comes in a synchronicity (we all know about syncronicity nowadays, don’t we.) The answer comes sometimes an action that seemingly burst out of nowhere. I suddenly find myself moving in one direction or the other, without thought.  Often it is delivered right to my door. Put right in my lap. Or facebook newsfeed.

Often there is no answer at all. Because it really doesn’t matter. The All doesn’t care. All choices are equal. My particular cluster of whatever will generally lean me towards, or line up events to show, an answer that’s of satisfactory nature.

Believe it or not, there is a dimension that is silent but fully alive. More alive than thinking. More alive than opinions or telling my story. An alive silence that is pure potential. Pre-thought. What I am is pre-thought. A living silence all around and also within. Whole and undivided and fully unconcerned with the natter and chatter of us chickens.

Wake up, deal. Quiet morning coffee feeding the crows and watching the locals. A “menial” job perhaps but one I’ll likely be quite content with for some time. Movies are my favourite hobby. I fraternize with the Who’s. Come home and be demanded of. Housework, splitting wood, cooking, making lunches, homework, reading to, snuggling with, discussing teenage problems with. And loving that role. I love Wendy. She’s awesome. I totally dig her, I really do. I’m having a blast being Wendy. Wendy wants things. Wendy has questions. It’s all good

But sometimes I “tap out” of awareness of the silence. That’s a funny thing about this dream. I forget, sometimes, that i’m dreaming. The noise, oh my god. The Narrator pipes up and goes on full-tilt monologue! I dont even notice it, i just feel irritable and the body has a reaction and i can go, i’m not kidding you, i can go FOR. DAYS.

DAYS! DAYS! forgetting the silence for DAYS! that’s when the dream becomes a fuckin’ nightmare, I tell you.

And then, like tonight, invisible cotton appears in my eardrums and it’s silent again, and i remember: OH YEAHH!!! HOLY SHIT!!! i was sleepwalking again. weird. how can i forget this?! how can i actually STILL forget this?!


signing off for now. come in and rent a movie. betcha i can find one you’ll like.



at least i’m housebroken

for FUCKS SAKE,man. i dunno, i couldn’t find my own blog. then i couldn’t figure out how to post. i feel like my 77 year old father must feel trying to email.

OK. well, i made it here. i bookmarked it, favourited it, and hopefully, the next time i have something to say, i’ll get here before i forget what it was.


i probably won’t.

Not on the rug…man…

Well that only took 10 minutes friggin around with settings and colours and fonts. Good.

The purpose of this blog is probably narcissistic. That annoys me. I don’t know if i’m sharing from Wendy or from I AM or what. You can probably guess from that rediculous sentence what I’ll be blogging about.

Who give a SHIT about someone else’s enlightenment experiences. Awakening blah blah blah. The very notion of talking about it is rediculous. But if I don’t, who will care? I don’t, usually, because as I previously mentioned: 1) who gives a shit and 2)where is the desire to talk about it coming from?

Moving on. “Awakening” (pukechoke) is not a static experience. You don’t just wake up and stay awake. Well maybe some people do, but I’d say it’s more of a nano-second thing. Some of us are pulled back into the world of appearances for more nano-seconds than others. I’d say about 80 percent if not more of my nanoseconds are in what the spiritual people like to call “egoic consciousness”. Meaning I identify as a separate entity, a human, as Wendy, a person, all that. But, some nano-seconds that is not the case. I had a whole afternoon of nanoseconds being what i can only describe as “Life”. I felt more like an element. I sure as shit would not have described myself as a “someBODY”. But i drove in my car and had a chat with a friend and it was a lovely afternoon. I was perfectly able to function, drive, eat, drink, talk.But, I was Home.

Fear pulled me back in. I won’t go into fear of what. Time dissappeared and that freaked me out and zwap! i was back. Since then I’ve nano-seconded my way through a plethora of varieties of being awake and “asleep” (hackchoke). The whole thing later sent me into a series of panic attacks because, well, shit. When you’ve experienced cold sober a whole other reality that you KNOW is true , and then you come back to the agreed-upon reality, that shakes some shit up.

Here are a collection of summaries of what i learned and managed to remember and are becoming more obvious. May I say also that the intellectual concept of awakening (barf) is just that…an intellectual concept. Which is why people don’t REALLY believe it can happen and think anyone who claims to be awake (shudder) is fullashit. The whole THING of it is, any and all concepts of enlightenment are lies. Concepts exist in the mental realm and being awake generally consists of removing a giant portion of your attention FROM the mental realm.

Also, I should probably say that the following is based on THIS ONE’s experience. However I really get the feeling it’s universal. Don’t decide till you look inward for yourself rather earnestly.

Having said that, here are a few doozies for ya to knaw on:

  • Nothing’s wrong. Nothing’s right. Everything just IS. It’s what’s happening.
  • Wendy exists in here. I am not Wendy. I am Wendy. I’m not a person, but a person is happening here. Have fun with that one.
  • “I AM” is pretty much the only answer I can truthfully state. Thankfully, it explains everything.
  • Stop thinking so much.
  • Stop believing in anything. Truth is obvious. If that threatens some part of you I completely understand. It’s a scary muthafucka. Luckily, truth is totally objective. 7 billion “truths” are being lived right now. There is no ONE reality, because the dream is being created by the individual.
  • If I had to describe what we really are I’d say we have, collectively, a mistaken identity. The funny thing is when you find your true identity you discover you don’t have one. That’s the whole “no self” thing. It’s experiencial and cannot be grasped by intellect or concept. Kinda like you could describe an orgasm but to someone who’s never had one, they won’t know what the FUCK you’re talking about but they sure as shit will want one for themselves. Or they will think you fake ’em bcuz they sound too good to be true.. Experience an orgasm and then tell me what sentence describes it perfectly. It’s EXPERIENCIAL, yo. Knowwhatimsayin?
  • Thoughts are wispy. They aren’t your thoughts. They happen in your general awareness. They have no truth or power other than what attention you give them. People latch onto a re-occuring thought and decide it’s their OPINION. Boy, do I dislike opinions. For one thing, an opinion is imaginary. Like i said, it’s a thought or a cluster of thoughts that re-occur so frequently people think it IS them. Ironically, that is also what an identity is. More on that later.
  • There is absolutely shit-fuck-all to worry about when you aren’t thinking. Thinking isn’t something you want to try to control, though, cuz that’s just trying to have your way with something that isn’t even what you are. Take your attention / belief from thoughts and they get real quiet real fast. Some interesting shit is noticeable when you’re not playing thoughts on the tv on the inside of your forehead. Shit that is actually happening.
  • The Narrator in your head is the brain translating thoughts. This happens within what you are but is not what you are. Can you control your thoughts? Shit pops in there. Ever had the exact same thought as a friend at the exact same time? of course you have. WONDER WHY THAT IS?! could it be…hmmm…perhaps bcuz THEY AREN’T YOUR THOUGHTS? Your attention and your friends attention just tapped into the mental realm on the same thought at the same time. or some shit like that. REGARDLESS i think my point was that The Narrator isn’t you. To shut The Narrator up for a second just listen for it. Go ahead, listen for what The Narrator wants to say. > >  Pretty damn quiet suddenly, wasn’t it? The Narrator runs on a loop, repeating the same shit day in day out. It’s a recording. I honestly can’t tell you if I want to be without my Narrator forever or not. It’s sort of what keeps this whole identity going and for now, i’m a bit on the fence about what life would be like without it. All the enlightened (yak) people will tell you it’s bliss and peace and amazing and far out, man. But how do they know what shit this particular cluster of person is going to have to deal with.
  • Ah, the big one. I only experienced this one for a second and then jolted right out of my shit so I can’t elaborate too much yet. SIGH here goes. I AM YOU. hahaha yeah, that’s original eh? But from what I could tell, “Wendy” broke apart and guess what, I was still there right behind. If you (the personality/ego/conditioning/whateverthefuck) broke apart I’m betting you’d still be there right behind. And the “you” that is there, is LITERALLY the “me” that is here. You know, this one originally came to me in the form of the query: “wait a minute…if *I* think I’m ME , and YOU think you’re the ME, then…is it the SAME “ME”? And yeah, i’m pretty sure it is. And I don’t mean, ‘we’re all one spirit, we’re all the life force, la la la peace love and harmony’ type of shit. I mean literally we are all ONE “I” looking out thru different…uhm…vessels. The One “I” is everywhere and everything and not split in any way but we have these bodies…see…basically different points of reference from which to play. So, it’s pretty funny to me when people get all mad at each other and shit cuz they might as well be arguing with their reflection in the mirror. So now, when i look at somebody (and i look at a LOT of somebodys at work everyday) I can’t help but think, “HOLY SHIT! That’s ME under there!” And well to be honest all one can feel toward others after such a seeing is compassion. I haven’t let this one go too deep yet cuz the idea is a little….scary. All alone bcuz everyone is me. But, everyone is also just as much of a person as “I” am so…ugh, i don’t care. My brain hurts now.
  • aH, here is a goodie i love to play with. For a second, remember a dream you had last night. Now…sort of…relax into it. Replay it in your mind, a little part of it. Ok, that spot from which you were viewing stuff in the dream? THAT is you. Notice how you didn’t remember this life? You didn’t have a name maybe? Maybe you weren’t even the same sex you are here. You probably didn’t even have any awareness of a body unless you looked down. That little speck of awareness that was seeing shit in the dream…THAT is a good, a REALLY GOOD, place to sit in while you meditate. In fact, it’s a really good place to sit in while you live this physical life.
  • From what i can tell, the physical life comes with a spacesuit called the BODY. We also seem to get an invisible spacesuit which i’d call for now, the emotional body. The ground-control-to-Major-Tom radio is the Mind, giving us access to the mental realm. But inside is a little speck of something that’s looking out and experiencing it all. I tend to think that speck is what we are.
  • In night time dream, the speck is there but the physical suit isn’t needed. We still seem to have the emotional suit, but the mental radio doesn’t seem to be there. If we think a thought to do something, we tend to do it IMMEDIATELY. No buffer. If you get lucid you can alter the landscape, fly, etc but more on that later. In deep sleep we disappear. We die, I guess, for lack of a better term. I tend to think it`s the PERFECT term, actually. Then consciousness resumes and lo and behold we have access to the brain and memory etc and we carry on. I tend to think that “we” don’t carry on at all. I don’t think any one person wakes up each morning. I think it’s just LIFE that wakes up and then has access to all the memory of who “we” (this particular brain person memory personality ego) is…. ok. You know I always did wonder why i kept waking up in the same body each  morning. Now i’m pretty sure “I” don’t. LIFE does. Next.

and that’s all i got tonight.

thats enough .