OK well obviously the thing with Bill was one of the “biggies”. Can’t wake up with baggage. Waking up is leaving the baggage. Boy i had some pent up shit over that boy , years old shit. Needed a major catalyst to make it explode out. Cheating worked. Yup. So it’s gone, mostly gone. Residual pain. Not too bad. I’m distracted from it by the peace of letting it go finally.
AND SO AND SO. I quit my job. I am giving over to the Natural State. It’s more easily deciphered now , from the mind chatter. It’s so OBVIOUS. I want to cozy in a warm bed this winter with my boy. I don’t want to send him somewhere he is miserable. To learn WHAT, exactly? Not to put school or the notion of school down–it worked for the girl. She enjoyed it. Boy wants reality like his mom.. Money comes and will come. I didn’t know I was going to get E.I. I was willing to wing it. Money will come, or what is needed will come. OR, it won’t and I’ll be uncomfortable and then another option will appear.
I won’t chase love. Outside has nothing for me; i knew this from a young age and i knew it intrinsically on that fuckin day. Wholeness; Home; I AM. And then what is left is cake. Meeting another human mind that gels with this one is fine. Body heat. Company. Underneath? : same as This.
Reality recognizes Reality. I AM recognizes I AM.
So I guess this is it. After the “first kiss” it was all inevitable, I suspect. Now what?
Ok i’ll keep you posted. It’s all very interesting watching Me fall away. I’m not really scared anymore. Fear comes when I resist. Resisting comes in past or future thought. There is no resistance to Now. How could there be? It’s over as soon as it’s begun.
I’m pretty happy to give over to truth. throwing myself at the feet of Whatever beats my heart; mercy. The first time; something resisted the realization that Time doesn’t actually EXIST. Then, there was resistance , little by little, until The Narrator was back. Like a SNAKE.
Hmmm. The Snake. = The Narrator (?) perhaps. Fucking NARRATOR, man.
It appears to me that suffering comes when our (however weak) awareness of our Natural State is in conflict with the idea of The Culture.
But nobody knows why they’re doing anything! They’re doing it bcos “this is the way it’s DONE” what the FUCK kind of sense does that make? That mentality is DYING, my friends. I don’t know about you but i’m getting the FUCK on the lifeboat, man.