Ghetto Summer on SSI

OK so since i live a most amusing and fascinating life I’ve decided to expand the purpose of this blog to everyday bullshit. So here’s how MY weekend went. FRIDAY: kids are gone so I get a six’er and head over to the weekend booty calls house. We get drunk while he’s cooking and I realize after several hours I don’t want to be there anymore. So i just get my shit and leave. That’s the fabulous thing about emotionally unavailable men: they can’t even hold you to the social etiquette of staying for dinner if you feel like leaving before it’s ready. Because they have absolutely nothing to offer you in return: i’m not asking for anything. It’s just sex.  If I want to walk out half drunk at 6 pm and go dancing, I can do that. And if he wants to be pissed off; he’s free to do so. And NOT get laid next weekend. Whatever.

So I go to pick up Bill who for some reason I still love; and dude won’t even go get some beer and wings with me. Doesn’t want to lead me on, you see. I’m straddling him and tickling him and biting his neck and he’s all good with it but doesn’t want to go to the bar with me. Ok fine whatever. I go alone and holy fuck if it’s not the perfect storm: Chandra on an 8 hour pass from Detox, a couple of her crowd, some dude named Nixon who won’t let me be (fine by me). Danylchuck, Marcus,Connie (who God knows why, has started appearing to be one of the more empathic and reasonable of the bunch) Becca and Ben, (sorry Becca I wasn’t in the mood to throw down , i know you were disappointed! LOL! )Jonah, Jesus everyone showed up. I call Chandra over to my table and drunkenly explain that I am not going to run her over or anything. That I’ve lost my shit this summer and honestly if he had slept with ANY other woman i’d have been better off; but she was a friend. At least I considered her so. Go to her facebook page, you’ll see me all over there. I told her I thought she honoured The Girl Code, that I could trust her. And i told her it was too bad… I was drunk and depressed, and probably conveyed to her that i’d more or less given up on the whole situation. (guess so; she appears to have unblocked me on facebook lol)

Well I phone Bill to tell him (drunkenly ) that she’s there and that we had talked a bit (MISTAKE) and lo and behold he decides to scoot right over for dinner and drinks.

About a half hour after he showed i was so disgusted I just got a cab and went home. Fuck it all.

SATURDAY; i took Max over to Bill’s. I got on his ass about how he zipped right over to the bar when he found out she was there. He kept claiming that he did so “to keep an eye on things” yeah right. I know what things he had his eye on. Well he and I got into it a bit and i’d had a couple beers and suddenly was hit with waves of panic and depression. Just all pervasive feelings that everything is not ok….that i’m alone, in danger, that i’ve fucked up , that i will never connect with anyone ever again.

Took an Ativan and that helped, i went home, had tea, and crashed for the night.

That night I decide i can’t go out drinking unless I’m generally happy. It makes things worse. PLUS , who am I spending time with? I decide I’ve got to start reaching out to sober happy friends who i can trust and who offer nurturing and support and who I can offer the same to.

I also decide maybe I should quit being so emotionally unavailable myself and quit with the booty calls. I mean, I wouldn’t mind a companion, a real relationshjp. It’s been 8 years. I’ve done my time alone, I wouldn’t mind a partner in crime.

SUNDAY today i got up around noon and hitched into town (mechanic didnt show up). Got a decaf pour-over (nom!) and talked to Marcie, Lisa, whoever else. Got a movie, i love stopping into the store; my home away from home. It smells so good out right now. On the way over I had a “home” moment …that space between thoughts…ahhh….had one in the shower this morning too…just sat down in the tub holding the showerhead over my back and zen’d out. HOME . No anxiety. No future thoughts, no past pain. no worries just water warmth quiet

man i’m getting sleepy just thinking about it.

Anyhow bussed home and watched a movie. Had my nightly wave of depression/panic, phoned Bill. “I still love you, still think we can work things out” i say. he says maybe. Then i find out he’s ordering one queen sized bed….he was supposed to get the kids a bunkbed or , single beds? and make them a room. He’s ordering  a queen cuz then HE can sleep in it during the week. He has tens of thousands of dollars and wont buy the kids beds. wtf?! I said, who gets the bed when the kids are there? Well, Blue of course. I’m so  mad. I tell him he favourites Blue; he needs after four friggin months to buy his son a bed , a lamp, a dresser, a poster, and make him a fuckin room so he feels wanted (a problem) otherwise fuckit i’m not sending him over there anymore. I only ever asked for two things from him: to control his temper with the kids and with me, and to get his boy a damn bed and make one of those empty crackhouse looking rooms a bedroom for his son!

So yeah, so much for I love yous. This of course makes me a demanding bitch and is EXACTLY the reason he cheated with Chandra. oh, fuck you , man. I love ya, but FUCK YA

I do love him, he does feel like “home” or “safe”.

But i’ve felt the REAL “Home” by myself…when i woke up…it is inside me, no wait…HOME IS what I AM.  why do i feel identified as a seperate entity. and i feel it so acutely since i woke up. the illusion is so much more unbearable.

I’ve been worse since i quit smoking. Anxiety and depression has been increasing. I know it’s not logical. For the first time in 13 years I upped the Paxil a smidge to see if that levels me out.

When I woke up I saw through beliefs but i also saw through hope and faith. Hopeless, faithless, belief-less. Then left for every single fucking unconscious belief i’ve been holding to rise up and go BLEAHHFOIHDHOFA in my face. And i have to surrender to these shitballs. One after another. Yeah no, half a pink pill more, i’ll take it. Hold on tight this ride is a motherfucker.

THen Bill goes and fucks my g*(danged FRIEND while he’s still “working things out” with me. and somehow, it’s my fault. I’ve done like FIVE shitty things and he holds onto every single one of them and blasts me with them whenever he can. Oh, yeah i broke your tv and rammed her car. yeah, the DAY I FOUND OUT YOU CHEATED WITH HER! oh, did i break your window cuz i was drunk and whipped a little  stone? YEAH WHEN I HEARD YOU SAY YOU WANTED TO BANG MY OTHER FRIEND!  oh yeah i pushed you once. TEN YEARS AGO. I moved the kids to BC — 8 years ago, and put you up in my house for FOUR MONTHS so you could get on your feet out here…TWICE!!!

Oh lets not forget when i left you for another guy. 14 years ago , and i broke it off with him and got back together with you 3 months later. So sorry, i was 25 and had just quit pot…while you are still a chronic. It sucked ass.

these are all brought up as if they all happened yesterday and for no reason whatsoever. Him being a rageaholic, of course, is all MY fault.

I have forgiven him every shitty abusive assholic thing he’s ever said or done bcuz I’m not the same person; and i know he isn’t , ultimately we’re all just doing our best here. When he looks at me , he’s looking at a ghost. He’s seeing me when i am 25, or 30, or even last month. These people don’t exist. I learn from my mistakes. When you learn, you change, you’re not the same person.

This is SO ENTIRELY FUCKED UP. This isn’t ME ! THIS, this isn’t my LIFE! i hadn’t even had a full beer for fifteen years before Bill came back in June! I don’t associate with such white trash lunacy…I don’t know who I became this summer. I must’ve re-visited some Jerry Springer like past life redneck ho persona or something.

It’s so strange how you can be sucked into Hell when you are waking up. I’m not a fan, to be honest. This in-between bullshit is for the birds. Blissfully asleep was better, Christ my life was of better quality. Can’t go back —gotta push thru.. —

well i’ve more or less pulled myself out of the Ghetto. The Ghetto Summer on SSI..waddafah?!

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