Ok so just an update: it would appear that Wendy the person found the closest thing to “safe” or “Home” in Bill. The re-uniting of Us this summer and then the unexpected tearing apart of Us, led to extreme emotional suffering which now I can see was and is a necessary facing of the fact that Wendy HAS no Home. The only real Home is experienced by disidentification with Wendy as what I am. Wendy occurs of course WITHIN what I am and so there is no real loss there , but while identified as Wendy there is nothing BUT the threat of loss.
I’ve never in my life reacted so violently in refusal to accept WHAT IS as I did this summer and consequently early this Fall as Bill moved from me to someone else. In the past I didn’t take it as a threat but this time I’d emotionally re-invested, I’d pushed the Void away so forcefully, saying NO! and snuggling back into Bill’s familiar arms, where Life is explainable, has rules, and is being lived as a person.
But of course the pressure had to produce the diamond eventually. The letting go, the surrender , the relief. Not all at once but as is happening. Several surrenders followed by extreme contraction (such as fighting in the street in front of the cops) WHAT?!NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO I WON’T ALLOW I WON’T LET GO NO NO NO NO
exhausting. more exhausting than nihilism.
and then….a very quiet subtle untraceable “ok.”
ok i’m waking up. ok i’m alone. ok Bill can’t protect me from either of those. ok i don’t understand this. ok I can’t identify as Wendy AND be Home. ok Wendy has to die (for lack of a better term) ok this scares the shit out of me
ok that’s enough for today