It’s been a while. Things are crazy.
Every untruth and bit of conditioning is rising up to be faced and I suppose surrendered to.
Also, every distraction like relationship, sex, job etc is being seen as empty and unfulfilling. Even old stuff that I haven’t dabbled with for fifteen years such as booze, the bar/club scene. Empty, sad, pathetic, dirty, lonely. Distraction.
The only peace I can find is to be thankful for my health and my kids and to let go to the idea that all I can do is love and try to make others happy. I can’t find any other meaning in this game; there is torturous inner pain when I try to claim something “out there” for myself in order to feel better “in here”.
I am alone but no more so that anyone or anything else. Doesn’t make the journey any easier but it’s what’s happening and fighting that is useless also.
Resistance is incredibly painful, is what I’m saying. And every single thing I’ve ever resisted in myself or my life is rising up one by one to be surrendered to. Not exactly fun, in fact excrutiatingly tiring; i am emotionally / mentally exhausted. Which simplifies things in a way.