You’re out of your element

is that feeling of “I” or “I am” or “I exist”, actually me, or something I am experiencing? If the most basic TRUTH that resonates to my core, the one thing I am sure of, and that is the feeling/sensation/vibration of “I AM”…if even THAT can be witnessed as AN EXPERIENCE..then wtf is experiencing it as secondary to self? there is no…anything. nobody home. and YET…here it is. Absolutely everything is an add-on, and yet here it is. the self is completely unknowable to the Me. the Me never wakes up. what is asking to wake up doesn’t wake up. what IS, wakes up FROM the asker. and, sometimes, goes back to sleep again, so to speak.

i quit smoking. 20 years, then just done. i’m on the patch. it sucks. i feel unfulfilled.
And i can see it was just the next step. sure, logically choosing Life. but, the next step evolutionarily speaking. It seems everything false is being subtracted. “Look, look at the hole I feel, now that i can’t smoke”. In my face, i can’t deny it. Smoking was distracting me from painful emptiness. But is the emptiness painful? How would I know unless I go into it fully? In the past, being “single” meant being empty, alone. I went into it fully. I see it’s not that. It’s the opposite. In the past, long long ago, being not-stoned meant empty. I went into that…not-high for many years, and it’s not painful and it’s not empty. Clingy abusive relationship is empty. I can’t live without you is empty. I gotta be high/drunk/smoke cigarettes is empty. It was an illusion.

walking into hell only to see you walked out of it. interesting shit.


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